i have been trying so hard to keep an upbeat attitude about everything lately, despite the fact that luck has not been on our side since moving back here. i wont bore you with the details of the many things gone wrong, but take my word it's been one drama after another. a lot of culture shock and upheaval plus a car accident, a family member whose ill, a crazy mom in a nursing home then add to that one person whose jobless the other who is miserable at work and there you have one perty picture of where we're at. it is one thing to have your own struggles, but the hardest thing is to watch the person you love most in the whole world struggle. and it is even harder when that person is struggling with being at home in your own country, especailly when you yourself are struggling with feeling at home in your own country after having been gone so long. i guess this is our cross to bear as they say, and i hope we will one day get to the point where one of us doesn't always have to bear it.
and for some reason today it has finally all caught up with me. another day at work having gone by in which no one really bothered to talk to me let alone train me or even attempt to show me what the hell i am supposed to be doing all day, and i am just throwing my hands in the air to surrender now. i guess i had been hoping that work could at the very least be a distraction and something to focus on. i am sure it will be eventually but right now it is just another lonely struggle.
so i quit. you win life. i have absolutely no idea why we decided to come back to this strange land, and that is heartbreaking to admit after the amount of time and energy (not to mention money) we spent getting here. and all i know is i hope time will tell the reason. i always believe everything happens for a reason, even when i am down in the dumps as i am now. the hard part sometimes is being patient enough to wait for that reason to reveal itself.
sorry to be such a downer if you happen to be reading this. selfishly, i do feel better having gotten that off my chest and admitting it to the world. it is like this dirty secret i have been harboring. so thank you for listening and please say a little prayer to buddah or allah or god or mother nature or whoever for us right now, cause we will need it.
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oh mags. i'm going through all my own shit right now. which means that gar is too unfortunately.
so... what you wrote really speaks to me in more ways than you could imagine.
maybe together we can all figure it out? (preferably without even trying?)
like you said, everything happens for a reason. so let's hope it all makes sense in the end..
in any case, can i finally say (blushing a bit): one of the great things about being with gary is that he introduced me to you. and for you, for your friendship, for that i'm truly grateful.
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